You ever fuck so hard every single muscle hurts?

Jesus.

I've known the Fantods for 2 years now. 

I've been in love with 1 of them for just as long.

I have nothing to show for it except empty quarts, new magic cards, and some new technique.

I can't seem to get it out of my head though. 

When I opened that door.
And saw what I saw.
It felt like my whole body was going to collapse.
After running around the city with such a stupid smile on my face.
One day of contentment was kind of fun.
But now it's back to waking up and not feeling 'it'.
Walking to work with zero hop in my step.
Sitting at work thinking about everything all at once.
It's amazing how one person can effect my psyche.
I must be out of my damn mind.
Sometimes it feels like it.

I figure that being high really changes me.
It keeps me cool and collected about life for about 20 minutes.
I realize in those moments that I'm usually over the top and insane.
I get quiet and withdrawn and think before I speak.
I start to see things from a different perspective.
Realize some of the crazy things I do.
Once those 20 minutes are done though.
It begins to make me extremely paranoid.
Because I start to worry that maybe I am too ridiculous.
I start to wonder if people act the way I do.
Things slowly start going downhill from there.
But in those first 20 minutes.
I see how I could be less dramatic and all you know, all the loudness.
It doesn't really seem like a bad idea.
I think I would be a lot more tolerable to certain people.
But then it all boils down to.
I enjoy immensely being absolutely ridiculous.
And most people I know are just as fucked.
Well, some no, not everyone's perfect.
There are some things I should be less crazy about.
I know that much.
But some things just get me that insane.
And I'm easily led down the path of lunacy.

I don't want to be that sad again.
I can barely breathe.
I don't want to do it again.
It hurts even more this time.
I set myself up for it.
But somehow it's worst.

At least I had the last three days.

Well, shit yo.
I just fell back into the same routine.
This is bad, terrible even.
I'm going to get destroyed even harder the 2nd time.
And the 1st time wasn't pretty.
I was really sick for a 14 hour period.
I called in sick for work and everything.
But then by 7, felt absolutely fine.
I have nothing great to talk about.
I'm worried about the future.
I'm hoping we'll talk about it or something.
But it's never a good time to talk.
Oh so fucking worried.