I just can't shake it.
You ever get that?

I'm getting fatter.
I don't know if I should blame winter, depression, or myself.
Maybe all three.
But I'm done with that shit.
I really don't need another piece of bullshit bringing me down.
If you see me eating poorly, please tell me to stop.
Seriously, I won't take it like you think I'm fat.
I'll be really grateful.
I think that might of been missing from before, aside of course from willpower.
I eat really well for a few days, and bam someone says 'let's order nachos'.
And I cave, and think 'just this once, then I'll be right back on track'.
But that's always wrong.
So please don't ask me to split a poutine, order pizza, or ask me to do the bank deposit.
I'll hit KFC for sure.
Don't get me wrong here, I don't want to be skinny.
I don't have a skinny girl's mindset, that would be absurd.
I'm however, sick of being fat.
I'd ideally like to be chubby.
I can't lose the tits, that would shatter my world.
Maybe knock it down a dress size or two.
These extra triangles of skin between the armpit and the boob.
That shit has to go.

I just watched Juno.
I cried, but that was predictable.
That fucking dad/Juno heart to heart killed me.
I want that bullshit too.
I have three pillows, and rather than lay down and look at the other two empty, I want it to have a head on it.
It's like four in the morning and I have nothing better to do than this shit.
Which is making this feeling even worse.
I'll go over to my bed, take my shampoo and laundry off.
Crawl in and be lonely as fuck.
Wake up in the morning, sashay my ass to the bathroom, walk back in here and check out my empty bed.
And knowing it's going to be the same routine for the next weeks, months, maybe a year.
I'm pretty gross, it's takes a lot to deal with this.
It takes a lot of searching to find someone equally as unappealing and yet, appealing to me.
If a person was to decide they liked me, boy they have it coming.
I drink too much, smoke too much, yell, talk loud, talk about obnoxious shit, fart, stink, have horrible eating habits, I'm moody and selfish.
I have some redeeming qualities, but you have to put up with a lot of garbage first.

BLAH.

I want to write in this shit, but positively.
I have nothing positive to say though.
Even though I had an awesome week.
The down swing and being ignored killed it.
Birthday Week this year was better than last.
It involved more feelings and disappointment though.
Which is my own damn fault.
Canceling things because of stupid circumstances.
Last Sunday was the best Sunday I had in a while.
It feels however that I'm being punished for it.
My house is destroyed.
I don't feel like cleaning.
I don't even feel like getting out of bed.
And I wouldn't of but for some reason it takes REALLY LOUD music for some of my roommates to make a sandwich.
I had a dream last night that Mike D and I did something bad.
I looked like a bombshell and was running from the cops.
Crawling through windows, jumping faces, trying to fuck some stranger in exchange for concealment.
It was exciting.
I can't remember what I did wrong though.
Hopefully some sort of espionage or something.

I woke up with a stuffy nose and a sneezing problem.
I'm concerned.