How can you say, you're looking for something if you never allow yourself to have it?
I wonder.

Well, I'm done playing the blame game.
I'm considerably less upset.
That might because of all the
I'm late for work.

You stupid bitch.
How the fuck could you do that?
How the fuck could you be so god damn stupid?
It almost baffles the fucking mind.
I can't fucking believe it.
It's too much.
You stupid bitch.
I know some people are less intelligent.
But really.
Come on now, how can you be THAT stupid.
Now I have to be a damn grown up.
It's fucking bullshit.
You stupid fucking idiot.
And stop fucking sucking up to me.
I see right through that shit.
FUCK.

Mom is coming to town.
Minnie Mouse is coming together.
My mouth is coming along.
OH YEAH.

I got this phone call.
I don't know how I feel about it.
It's one of those things.
It could be good or it could be bad.
I guess I just need more details.
I'm glad they thought of me.
I don't want to slip into the same bullshit.
Bickering, name-calling.
That was something of the past.
Underlying hostility was better.
Well, probably not.
Couldn't there be a middle ground?
The power went out last night.
I haven't been in a power outrage in a while.
I haven't been in one with friends, ever.
A riot I tell ya.
Charlie's was fun for a bit.
Then it got pretty... old.
Crowley told me I can 'technically' drink while on these pills.
Now why the hell did he have to go and say that?
Watching your friends be hammered sucks.
They're all talking crazy and I'm just staring.
It's like my mind goes blank.
Void of all conversation.
Besides my jaw hurts when I strain to talk loud.
This thing is clearing up fast though.
Exciting.

Free breakfast.
Walk across the bridge.
Awesome new digs.
Ferry ride home.
Harbor fries.
Alterations and master mindings.
Clean kitchen.
Trudy and Sean goodbyes.
Giggly HQ.
Rock dollars success.
The ability to be sober...
and have fun.

Day 1 of not drinking is declared a success!
With the very short return of Trudy and Sean things are awesome.
I got off work in a great mood, and came home to a party.
We laughed and loved and I cracked jokes.
And then we laughed at the ordeal that is me taking pills.
Really, quite the success.
Followed up by some Rejected Cartoons and GI Joe videos.
Ah the internet.
Making me laugh since 1999.

Mission accomplished!
*high five*
In unrelated noise, the dreaded jaw infection returns.
No drinking for this girl for the next 10 days.
But the day I get to start drinking happens to be Halloween.
All is not lost!
I saw the cemetery for the first time today.
I also walked through the public gardens, it had been a while.
Dan. Gary and I did laundry today.
I had my last beer at Charlie's before I start taking the pills.
6 oclock tonight, is the show down.
Me and that bottle of pills, well... we're going to tango.

Just because you're not scared, doesn't mean I'm not.
I fucking hate it when people bust that shit out.
"well I did this thing"
LA DI FUCKING DA.
It still doesn't change how I feel about the scenario.
I'm still going to be scared.
No matter how many people put their damn heads in a lion's mouth.
I sure the fuck ain't doing that shit.
I also hate when people say they're going to do shit and don't.
And then when you call them on it, they guilt trip you.
Fuck you.
Seriously fuck you.
And why the fuck does my fucking house smell like rot, teenage boy sweat and pure garbage?
I cleaned the entire kitchen and living room a week ago.
And I ain't fucking doing it again.
I'm never even fucking here.
This all boils down to.
I need to get fucking laid.
My panties won't be in so much of a bunch.

First decent conversation we've had in a month.
Maybe it was the Beatles.
Or your concern over expired ear drops.
But I'm glad it happened.
I'm not even sure where the underlining hostility came from.
On both our parts for that matter.
Whatever it's all good in the hood.
The hair is cut, and I look cute as a button.
I got some new fancy duds and busted out the winter hat.
This year's level of acceptance came a lot faster.
It's winter, slowly but surely, it's coming.
But I can embrace the awesome accessories that come with it.
Hats, scarfs, mittens, boots, wool socks, tights and gloves.
I really have nothing of interest to talk about.
Things have been boring.
I got so drunk the other night.
I didn't realize I hadn't eaten.
So I came home after 3 cans of Faxe and 2 Honey Wheats.
Jumped in the bath with my clothes on, so I could get my hair wet?
Then ordered nachos and watched Sister Act with Hoolia.
I hear I fell asleep and snored, sounds about awesome.
Holy shit!
The new band practiced last night.
It sounds amazing, I'm like REALLY excited.
In about an hour and a half we busted out one song.
It rocks, it's about obsession.
Something I'm all too familiar with.
Oh this is exciting.
We've decided Wednesdays jam night.
What a perfect night for jamming.
I'll say it again.
I'm excited.

When I'm not actively trying to sleep with someone I get so much done.
I hang out with friends a lot more.
Make awesome plans for adventures.
Clean the house, my room.
Do buttloads of work at work.
You know?
Really productive shit.
What's that say about me?
I'm going out to dinner with Derrick and Nicole.
We are going to discuss our awesome new band.
I am beyond excited.
A useful distraction.
The boys are planning to go home early December.
I'm going, I'm excited to see their home town.
I love road trips, there so epic.

Even when all I want is to be alone, I can't.
Even if it's writing in my blog obsessively.
Just so I have some kind of outside contact.
My mom isn't coming this weekend.
It sucks, I really wanted her to.
She'll be here in two weeks though.
Thank you GST, thank you so much.

Wars over.
How did I get home?
Theres nachos.
I don't recall eating.
Theres a spilled ash tray.
I don't recall spilling.
How the fuck did I get home?
How did I get the keys in the hole thinger?
Jesus.

Good morning ladies and gentlemen, here are the war updates.
Through out the night subliminal messages were sent to the opposition of Sadastan.
These came in the form of nightmares armed to scare the army from it's main attack.
The opposition is going to go through seven hours of intense therapy all day.
The experimental therapy comes in the form of porno and sex toys.
The goal here is to distract the mind of thoughts of danger and treachery.
With the Tuesday night attack well on it's way nothing more can be done.
Except maybe laundry.

Camp 2 was compromised, by foot wear and creeping thoughts.
The injured need fixing, there needs to be medical care STAT.
What needs to be done is drastic.
The remedy is almost too much to type.
I like to call it, emergency breakfast food and a shitty romantic comedy.
I would never go to such drastic measures if I didn't feel it necessary.
I'll keep you guys informed as the events unfold.
It's like M*A*S*H all over again.

ITS LIKE THAT AND THATS THE WAY IT IS.
RUN DMC IS THE SHIT.
Camp 2 is about to be infiltrated.
Top 5 reasons to drink.
1. Sex
2. Fun
3. Yes
4. No
5. Sad
Don't be sad get glad.

Sadastan is falling, their battle plan is weak.
When you introduce nuns who can sing to the folds.
It's not pretty for the opposition.
You can hear their battle cries for miles.
'OOOOoooooo Maria....'
Top 5 depressing moments in history.
Or Top 5 records.
John Cusack has it all figured out.

Borat was definitely the most effective move.
What a masterpiece of pure ignorance.
And we all know ignorance is bliss.
Up next, Sister Act.
I could use a little nun comedy in my life.

I Am Sam, you destroy me every time.
The opposition took a blow but things are still looking good.
Some bullshit romantic comedy, or John Q?
What would be the best tactical effort?
How to strike?
How to move forth and kill the enemy?
Take down Sadastan once and for all!
YOU CAN TAKE OUR LIVES BUT YOU CAN NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM!
Braveheart fools.
Brave mother fucking heart.

This just in!
Sadastan leaders fear they might be losing the war.
With the opposition bringing in secret weapons, it's looking bleak.
Special Task Forces also known as Hoolians have joined the battle.
They're dropping bombs known as Instant Popcornators all over the country side.
With these new radical tactics, no one knows what will happen.
A re-grouping meeting to be held at the camp 2 - Charlie's later in the evening.
I AM SAM WANTS YOU!


Get it?
Uncle Sam... I Am Sam...
Fuck I'm clever.

I put a blanket over my window.
It's like a cave up in this.
Forrest Gump did not disappoint.
I cried like a little bitch.
I might throw in I Am Sam before Hoolia gets back.
But first, I shall leave my chamber to cash some checks.
Maybe go see Justin at work.
Maybe I'll get some turkey dinner for one.
But only if beer and smokes can fit in the budget.
I Am Sam, oh yeah boy.

Well, I fell asleep.
Forrest Gump, take 2.
Action!

When you're fighting a battle sometimes you need to change the battle plan.
So instead of crying over nachos and having Forrest Gump in, I choose something else.
A little dancing movie called Girls Just Want to Have Fun.
It's one of those super cheesy dancing movies from the 80's.
Brilliant really, a true gem in it's class of cheese.
BUT NOW, FOR THE MAAAAAAAAAIN EVENT.
Forrest Gump.
Round 1 - Cry.
Let the lame begin.

We interrupt Forrest Gump to bring you the latest.
Nachos, coming atcha.
Now if only I had ice cream.
This would basically be the saddest party for 1.

I think I figured out what SS Princess Lindsay stands for.
Sloppy seconds, ouch.
Well since we're talking boats, the Slums, not a sinker.
Freak show families, I'm all over it.
Next up Forrest Gump.
If he can do it, so can I.
Or some bullshit like that.

WHOOT WHOOT All aboard the Shame Train.
Beginning point, Mean Girls.
The scenery was hilarious and the view A+.
We're arriving at our destination.
The Slums of Beverly Hills.
I could use a little slumming.
A little something.

Reporting live from Sadastan, with late breaking news.
The weather report for Tank Girl just in.
It was a side of sunny with some cloudy periods.
Now what we can expect in the forecast for the next few hours is.
A lot of masturbation and a cameo appearance by Lindsay Lohan.
Now for the main event.
Mean Girls.

Good Morning Vietnam was hilarious.
I haven't seen Robin Williams in anything in a long time.
We're off to a great start down here in depression city.
Let's see what Tank Girl has to has to bring to the table.
*a hush falls over the crowd*

I borrowed about 12 movies from Murder.
I'm not leaving the house for days.
I'll update on the movies as I watch them.
If you see me by Joe's and I have a twitch.
You'll no why.
Fuck.
I wish I was in mother fucking New-Brunswick.
Borat
Slums of Beverly Hills
Clerks
Forest Gump
Mean Girls
Good Morning Vietnam
Before Sunset
Tank Girl
Sister Act
Girls Just Want to Have Fun
and
Dazed & Confused
Movie screening party in my bedroom.
If anyone wants to drop by.

Well.
I definitely opened my mouth.
Ugh.

That's it.
I'm never opening my mouth again.

Finally, a show.
I had so much fun.
Before.
After.
During.
Before was ridiculous, practicing is a party.
Getting everything together.
Anxiety and nervousness before getting up there.
I miss that shit, fuck.. that was fun.
During, oh boy.
I wish I could remember the lyrics.
So I could be, you know, more ridiculous.
Dance, walk around, fall to the ground, be slutty.
That sort of thing.
Give the show some more.. something.
ANYWAYS.
What a party.
I've been feeling a rush all day.
I'm glad so many people came out too.
Wednesday shows are always kind of scary.
Al though, if you're going to ask me to put ya on the guest list, fucking show up.
I could of put people on there that would of actually came.
Instead, totally wasted.
Except 1 person came, to which I am grateful.
Guest list man, it's a powerful thing.
And after the show was hilarious.
Drive home with Craig Hamlin, rocking out.
Late night girl talk with Hoolia.
Good times, Wednesday is awesome.
Alright, what else has been happening.
Mike D and I are going to hit a football game.
Live in your face football?
Beer?
Party!
Speaking of Mike D, the other day.
Jen and Mike were lazing around after crazy Saturday.
Watching football, I came to interrupt.
We ordered food, complained, watched hockey youtube videos.
You know, the proper way to waste a Sunday.
I hung out with the Tay on Monday.
A little laundry, errand running combo.
Three hours flew by in no time.
Monday night at Reflections was good.
There was the Search, Fuck Montreal and No Flyers Please.
I didn't know anyone else there.
Yet had a ball, throwing drinks around, general crazy.
I don't even remember the walk home.
I do remember some vague reference to Sister Act.
Tuesday.
Oh Jesus.
I had mayo.
I feel gross.
I've felt dirty since.
Fuck condiments.
They make me.. ugh.
I got to see Didier at shot night, which is awesome.
Oh OH OH.
I went to the Menz bar for the first time.
Had some awesome hang outs with Krista.
AND TODAY.
I hung with Christian and we gossiped like teenage girls.
Sweet breakfast at Mary's and less then intellectual conversation.
Simmons is my favorite gossip buddy.
Well.
Lets see what the rest of the week holds.

I just woke up from a dream that had to do with.
My mother in the 70's, my mother's friends in the 70's.
Rats, mice, bats, the dark, urination, period blood.
My old house, my work, an old neighborhood.
Photo albums, poppers, blankets and toilets.
I hope I never think of it again, it was too much.
Well you did it sir.
You've pushed me away.
I never thought it would happen.
It sucks that a place that made me feel really good.
Now makes me feel like shit.
Saturday was absolutely insane.
I did some ridiculous things.
Said some even more ridiculous things.
I'm trying to leave ya alone.
I really am, sometimes I'm just an idiot.