Fund raising business.
One more time.
For kids.
To keep myself busy.
To keep myself out of trouble.
Taylor said I was a philanthropist.
I had to look it up.
I like it though.
Crafts.
Kids.
Fun.

I have to stay away.
The thought of it makes me feel ill though.
Seriously ill.
Plain and simple.
This sucks.
I'm tired.
All over tired.
Maybe it's because I'm sick.
You make me feel like a stupid, young, undesirable girl.
And I know it's not your intention.
Maybe I am those things.
Maybe I am in a rut.
Maybe I am a rut.
Maybe the internet sucks.
Maybe my blog sucks.
Maybe I'm drunk.
Maybe I'm melo-dramatic.
Maybe I'm young.
Maybe I'm head over heels.
Maybe I'm ridiculous.
Maybe the worlds ridiculous.
Maybe I'm detached.
Maybe I'm attached.
Maybe I don't care.
Maybe I care too much.
Maybe I'm unforgiving.
Maybe I'm too forgiving.
Maybe I'm shallow.
I'm definitely shallow.
Maybe I'm feeling awful.
Maybe I'm pretending.
Maybe I like the word maybe.
Maybe because it reveals nothing.
Maybe because its ambiguous.










Maybe.

This is useless.

I've never felt so trapped in my life.
I need to get the fuck out of this house.
Now.
I just want a beer.
Fresh air.
And friends.
I hate being home.
I hate being home alone even more.
FUCK.

If I am not freshly showered by the end of the day...
Someone take me out to the streets and beat me.
Seriously.

If the question is 'Why?'.
Then is the answer always 'Why not?'.
Lesson is.
If someone is trying to a conversation.
It's not awesome to be drunk and horny and not listen.
So next time, I'll listen.
The other two things.
Can't be helped.

I had this dream last night.
I can't decide if it was a nightmare or not.
Ala, Craig, Alex, Dan, the Tay, Amy, Lizard Face and I are on a raft.
Theres also this dude in red swim trunks and a blond.
The guy in the trunks starts exposing himself to us, but he has a vagina!
We all decide to jump into the current and be swept down the coast.
It so happens the coast is the one where I grew up.
There was all the landmarks that actually exist.
And a bunch of landmarks I've dreamed of before.
We go through a patch of crabs and they bite us like crazy.
All of a sudden Lizard Face and I are on land running, looking down at all the swimmers.
We catch up to them at the end of a turn and jump back in.
Theres a van in the water, and Phil's drum set is being thrown in the water.
Craig and Amy start lubing each other up with Wet warming lube.
All the while Dan's yelling "We're already wet!".
But they keep going at it.
Then theres lawn furniture in the water, and the ocean disappears.
A bunch of people come over the cliff, set down their chairs for a concert.
And I woke up.
I looked at the clock and it said 9:01.
I screamed 'Fuck Dan!' pissed he hadn't woken me sooner for work.
Then he walks in the room, starts shaking his head and his eyes become one.
And I woke up.
It's 8:31, and theres a note from Dan that I can't read.
I'm getting super frustrated to the point of crying.
And I woke up.
It's 8:27, and it's reality.
I find Dan listening to the Violent Femmes, and he has both eyes.
Whew.
I met Greg Thorney last night.
I had no idea who he was.
I was right drunk and being a jerk.
He loved it though.

I have a really hard to keeping resolutions I make.
I'm already starting to crack.
CRACK UNDER THE PRESSURE.
There is however one of those I've stayed true with.
Which is probably why I'm unwavering in this.
Now, I can't keep the one to lose weight.
I've been losing that battle forever.
Why are things so bad for you, so good?
Oh so good.
In every aspect of life.

OH MY GOD!
Totally amazing.
I am so happy for you.
Boy.
I can't even describe last night.
It started out beautifully.
Things were really working out.
Then, it all goes to hell.
I am tired of fighting.
It's exhausting.
It makes my stomach hurt.
And for what?
For nothing substantial.
You've been an a good friend.
But.
I am tired of crying.
Therefor, I am done.
Done I tell ya.
It's a scary perspective but, it's final.
Be Bad tonight.
No booze tonight.
Things are looking up.

Your note penetrates my heart, Trudy.
Now if only.
What will I do when you leave.
My life.
I need to hop.
I need to move.
I need to be free.
My life is a guaranteed zero here.
I can feel it in my bones.
I lie.
You lie.
We all lie.
We are all a bunch of liars.
This whole place.
I feel like a teenager.
It's time for a change.
How to go about it is the hard part.

I am beginning to be concerned.
What ifs.
I'll have it all figured out by Wednesday.
Hopefully.
Maybe tomorrow.
That would probably be the responsible thing to do.
If you hit yourself with a frying pan.
Does that make me stupid for being there?
Or you stupid for being yourself?
I haven't figured it out yet.
I'm sick of this place already.
I think I understand Leah way more.
This place drains me.
Makes me feel weird.
On one hand I know I do it to myself.
On the other hand, I wouldn't if there was anything better to do.
I laughed a lot this weekend.
Trudy and I went busking, which was amazing.
I sprayed Ala and Mike with water for an hour.
I could barely breathe I was laughing so hard.
The roof was awesome too, the weather sweet.
And yet.

Who does that?
Seriously.
I love blogs so much.
Although, sometimes.
I have no idea how ambiguous I can be.
And you wonder.
Well, I don't wonder since I know in some cases.
If it's about you.
Oh the internet.
Last night was great.
I was so drunk I drowned my purse.
I walked home by myself which never happens.
Drinking gave me balls of steel.
Also stupidity.
The show was tiresome.
I have to stop taking things that aren't mine.
Oh the discussion.
The almighty discussion.
THE DISCUSSION TO RUIN ALL DISCUSSIONS.
I'm just being dramatic.
It's Halifax, everyone's a God damn drama queen.

Boy was I right on the prediction of Charlie's.
I got my tarot cards read, I lie every time.
Justin was right, if you tell the person the question they interpret it differently.
Especially funny if they feel like they can guess.
Anyways, I got smashed.
At one point there was 2 shots of tequila, a double gin and lime and a honey wheat infront of me.
Gone within minutes, I knew there would be trouble.
Trudy says she walked me home and Dan was freaking out.
"Dude you got to help Lindsay, she's all messed up, SHE'S NOT DOING GOOD".
Haha.
Judging by the pile of puke next to my bed he was probably right for once.
I surprisingly felt great the next day.
I had to be at work early too which was exciting.
I had some Greek Village, and a ton of ice water.
Things were alright.
After work I hung out with Chandy and ate like crazy.
I don't know whats up with me I can't stop eating.
Precious delicious food!
We went to her and Kerri's house and watched 'The Room'.
I have never laughed that hard at a movie ever.
Do yourself a favor and check it out one time.
There was a small crowd at Charlie's, so I had myself a beer.
Afterward I lit another smoke bomb in the streets.
HERE I AM NOW.
15 minutes away from walking my pretty little self to work.
All full after a monster omelet and peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Believe it.

I was not myself on Friday.
Which sucks since my favorite thing in the world is being surrounded by people.
The night wasn't a total loss though.
When it was time to go home the downpour was insane.
I took off my shoes, pearls, and cardigan and stepped out into the madness.
By the time we had walked a black I was drenched.
Which takes us to crazy sing a longs and some of the best drunk rain dancing.
Pretty sweet.
We made some delicious eats once home and called it a night.
Gumby and Josue were in town Saturday!
I therefor decided to have a little party at the house.
Just a little something before Gus'.
My first guest was Dan, I have him the note to end all notes and things were good.
The downstairs neighbor came over, she's a cool cat.
At first I was like 'NOBODY WILL COME', then they did.
Whew, I hate the pressure of throwing a party.
By the time we left for the show I was severely intoxicated.
I gave Dan an of the floor wedgee and it was amazing.
The show was a dance party spectacle, totally worth it.
By the end of the night I was stinky and sweaty, barely alive.
This dude gave me a bunch of shrooms for Dan and me but I took them all.
Soon there after started tripping and we started walking home.
I wanted to visit the stairs to nowheres, so we hit it.
Long story short, Dan left me in an alley for 4 minutes while I was high as fuck on shrooms.
It was dark and scary and I started crying and screaming his name.
We started fighting, I was damn pissed off and he was being totally self righteous and a dick.
After we were at HQ and the fun didn't stop I said walk me home.
What followed was mind blowingly weird, and I still don't get it.
Whatever.
Next day, Ziggy Stardust, coffee, and some insane dancing.
Trudy, Sean and Christian were scary happy.
Dan and I went out for Latin brunch, it was delicious as usual.
Then off for some laundry and pool combo.
I of course lost every game, damnit I will get better.
Mike D folded Dan's laundry for 1$.
Trudy, Tony, Dan and I spend of the rest of the night trading cop stories and drinking.
After passing out on the couch I stumbled home at 9 am.
Julia and I had some homemade lunch, fish and potatoes, delicious.
I went to light a smoke bomb off on HQ's roof, saw some Oprah at Murder.
Great Monday afternoon.
Work was great, I did absolutely nothing.
Rock dollars was packed, I sold smokes for a buck a piece to afford drinks.
I walked home with Dan and we had the bullshit discussion, one more time.
This is slowly becoming not worth it.
Whats it take for a girl to get some mindless action?
I can't explain myself any better.
The fact that someone could be that egotistical drives me nuts.
Boy, tonight's Charlie's, what could the night hold.
More of me slowly wishing I was gone on another trip.