Shit be illin'.
I ain't know how I feelin'.
I just watched a documentary on rap.
Also documentaries on brothels, swinging, and pornography.
The white supremacy one was really sad.
My mom's here, which makes me happy.
Dan met my mom and Denis.
We all had a good little chat.
Anika was excited and laughing.
I love her laugh, she laughs like I do.
So hard it gets hard to breathe.
They'll be finished with the hospital soon.
I think we'll get lunch somewheres.
The day before they get here, I get pretty sad.
I hope this is the end of her hospital visits.
Mom said that when they're done with all that, they'll still come visit.
Which is exciting, since when they do visit now
There's always sort of a black cloud surrounding it.
With Anika being sick and all.
I could go for a good huggin'.
But you be denyin'.
Them the breaks I guess.

You make me cry.
But I'd never want you to know.
I don't know if you'd care.
But I'd feel bad if you did.
Hopefully this party is awesome.
More awesome than this conversation.
About when you all went to high school.

There's this dead bird.
It lives in the Commons.
Everyday I walk by it.
I know it's there.
And I look at it.
This has been happening since summer.
Everyday I look.
It used to be a pigeon.
Now it's feathers, and bones.
I sort of look forward to it.
I'll be sad to see it fully decomposed.
Now today.
As I was approaching, I started thinking.
I should write about this bird.
In the old blog, ya know?
But amongst all this thinking.
I forgot to look.
The first time I forgot to look.
I hope it's there tomorrow.
Or I'll feel like I really missed something.
These are the kinds of things I look forward to.
What's that say?
Today at Charlie's, ridiculousness got out of hand.
A pool game ruined.
A pool ball thrown.
An almost fight.
Surprisingly, the usual suspects had nothing to do with it.
I'm really starting to go crazy with loneliness.
Which is ridiculous, considering I'm constantly surrounded by people.
A different kind of loneliness I guess.
I couldn't find anyone today, no one was answering their phone.
I felt so awful.
Eventually it worked out.
But how shitty I felt for a few hours.
I need something bad.
And not just a good hard fucking.
Something else.
I had a sandwich today.
It was delicious.
I hung around the lounge at NSCAD.
Visiting Gary and Dan, but ended up seeing a bunch of kids I knew.
What was supposed to be a 30 minute visit quickly turned into 2 hours.
I called my dad for money.
I've been so shitty, drinking too much, eating too much.
I don't know how I spent all this money so fast.
But I'm broke.
And being broke scares me, almost desperately.
No more cabs, no more fast food, no more excessive drinking.
Well, not until birthday week.
I should call it birthweek eh?
That would make more sense.
At least it's something to really look forward too.
I bought decorations for the house.
They'll go up Sunday, and stay all week.

You'd think with the last post.
Maybe, I'd have more figured out.
The best I can say is I've been drunker than usual.
I miss being close, it's not even mine to miss, but I miss it.
When you know something, isn't going to work.
But you try anyways.
The surroundings, the laughter, the good times, the....
Apologizing to make someone happy, to be OK.
If you do it for the wrong intentions, then what?
I want things, things I can't have.
I'm trying my best, to do what's wanted.
To do what will make things OK, even if it's not what I feel.
I drink more to make it OK for me.
Things are said, that should be OK.
But it cuts me more than it should.
Things I should have a comeback for, and usually I would.
I want to be friends, but I'm so afraid of what I'll miss if that happens.
I'm too... young, immature, not ready.
Or maybe I have it figured out, but it's not enough.
I never understand people who can just forget.
How can they do that?

I like this song, I'm going to cut some stuff though.

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Don Quixote was a steel driving man
My name is Adam I'm your biggest fan
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Moldy Peaches.
They had it figured out.
I'm hammered by the way.

I need one of those.. you know.
Things where stuff happens.
I need a shower too but that's a different story.
I got stoned last night and did one of those.. you know.
I resolved to change some of my behavior.
But then I woke, and realized I didn't care.
I try to keep them, but then I just fall into my old shit.
Like stop torturing, taunting, abusing what his face.
That's a resolve I should keep.
But I can't.
I've tried, although it's my own fault for taking the bait.
Also, stop talking about personal shit so much.
Again, I've tried.
But it comes out of my mouth regardless.
It's like I walk into a situation and I'm all like 'keep them resolves'.
Two hours later, same shit.
Eating healthy, losing weight, being a 'nice' girl (whatever the fuck that means).
I give it a good solid effort for a week.
Realize, I don't really care that much.
You can't really better yourself, if you don't give a fuck right?
The winter is tough.
I think I get even worse.
I'd like to stop being so paranoid.
I get terrified, if I step out for a bit.
Will things be different the next day?
I worry about insane shit.
I think about all this, and then never do anything about it.
I want to put more effort in my work.
Save money.
Keep my apartment and room clean.
Spread the friendship train out more.
The winter makes the last one tough.
In the summer, I roam around.
Make the rounds, in the winter though, I just want to stay in one spot.
I can't find anyone suitable for traveling.
So I've made no plans, and I want to so bad.
My health and sex life are terrible.
I don't why one has to do with the other, but it seems appropriate.
I'm in a funk.
Too connected to things, unconnected to others.
Trying to force things I want, without thinking.
Winter sucks.

I had a good Friday yesterday.
It was entertaining, I got to see tons of kids.
Neil's party was a blast, there was lots of good conversation.
I had some delicious pecan squares, they were to die for.
I love parties where the music isn't too loud and the people are just talking.
The BBQ was tons of fun too, I wish I had went a little earlier.
I felt like we got there during the winddown part of evening.
We all headed down to Charlie's in the rain from the party.
That was awesome, I love the rain, it's not so great in the winter, but still fun.
I got to hear some more contradictory stuff.
When people say when one thing, and do the other.
I just don't get it.
And it's just too much.
It's so hard on the head.
You act one way and it's not right, you do something else and that's not right.
It always ends up the same.
The same result.
I guess it doesn't really matter.
The seasons are going to be changing.
Hopefully things will pick up.
Or drop away.
/end teenager emotional rant bullshit

Yesterday was a fucking embarrassing.
I'd been meaning to get drunk.
Like, REAL drunk for a while now.
But boy, I sure took it to the limit last night.
I think I even shed some tears of drunken what the fuck.
I had band practice, I had some beers, nothing too crazy.
I few tall cans, a tall bottle from Propeller.
Band practice was lots of fun, I didn't think I was being too ridiculous.
When I got to Charlie's I almost fell on some ice.
Standard stuff though, it's winter!
I remember being at Charlie's, having two beers.
Winning at pool twice, which is amazing, especially considering.
Then fast-forward to waking up, Dan's in my room.
Looking at the clock I see it's fucking 1AM and I'm a mess.
I say 'you have my nachos?'.
When in reality, I did make him order food, but not nachos.
I must of eaten this food, and the gravy everywhere makes me believe it was poutine.
And then I start crying and Dan's telling me to sleep on my side.
Then I wake up around 6, totally confused, my clothes are on, the lights on.
Total fucking mess.
Wednesday is becoming a real party.
Our new song is inspired by some interesting bruises on my inner thighs.
Sensational hit, I am almost positive.
How can it not be with lyrics like 'teeth marks, we're sexual sharks'.
I don't know why I'm not a famous writer yet.

I was going through withdrawal.
And now, it's alright.

It's time for the year end review.
The things I've done, lost, accomplished, fucked up.
This year has been huge.

-Self confidence boost, who needs cardigans?
-Quit working at Subway once and motherfucking for all.
-Got kicked out of a major event, escorted to the door even.
-Fell in love twice.
-Got heart destroyed hard twice.
-While were on the subject, did some all new wild crazy shit in the sack, thanks boys.
-Felt comfortable enough with one person to be naked in the light, walk around my room naked even, do a fucking naked dance even, thats some comfort level shit right there, for me at least.
-Also learned to be comfortable enough to actually talk about my feelings.
-Had a tattoo put on my body during a tattoo convention.
-Made awesome new friends including but not limited to: Crystal, Taylor, Sheila, Alisha, Trudy, Sean, and the Fantods.
-Some awesome make out sessions.
-Started hanging out at Charlie's.
-Moved to an awesome place, with the perfect roommates.
-Got rid of awful friend.
-Hitch hiked for the first time.
-Got amazing promotion at work.
-Leah moved away, which was and still is sad as fuck.
-Many a diseases and medical problems came my way.
-Started taking Ibuprofen and shit, the pills won the battle.
-Played the Seahorse!
-Started 2 new bands - San Francisco with Craig and 'unknown title' with Derrick and Nicole.
-Finally got a decent damn hairstyle, I look cute as a button.
-Learned the art of pool.
-Read over 200 issues of a single comic series, Cerebus.
-Family drama at all time AWESOME.
-Anika's doing much better.
-Mom's doing, well mom, how ya doing?
-Had a pap test for the first time, two in one week in fact, party in Vag Town.
-Hung out with Tay in some stairs while flying on shrooms.
-Started drinking beer, what a slippery slope that was.
-Got a health card and a passport, steps towards adulthood.
-Dressed up for the first Halloween since I was 13.
-Busked outside the liquor store for the first time.
-Became allergic to deodorant.
-Walked across the bridge on a warm stormy summer day.
-Flew a kite.
-Quit smoking for a week.
-Fell madly in love with roofs.
-Took 4 separate courses of antibiotics.
-Painted a bunch of paintings.
-Sewed myself a pretty little dress.
-Had an awesome drum circle in the Commons.
-I saw most of the major cities in USA and practically all the major cities in Canada.
-Spent almost 200 hours on the bus, next to one person.
-Swam with dolphins 40 feet away and seals 20 feet away.
-Met convicts, ex-heroin addicts, crazy musicians, new friends, rednecks, Amish, people from all over the world in bus stations and on the bus.
-Slept outside underneath a heating vent on cardboard.
-Took the fastest boat across a part of the ocean!
-Saw Art Museums, major tourists attractions across North America.
-Got the most ridiculous sun burn in my life.
-Gamble in Vegas.
-Swam in the Pacific ocean.
-Actually fucking made it to San Francisco, fuck you guys!

I'm probably forgetting some stuff, but you know.
And now, what to do in the New Year?
Let's start by getting healthy.
Expanding my social circle.
Getting this new band off the ground.
Sewing me some new digs with my sewing machine.
Traveling somewhere far and somewhere crazy.
I'd like to fly.
I'd like to sail.
I'd like to go fishing.
I'd like to meet somebody new.
I'd like to forget the past.
I'd like to embrace the present.
Oh and have a fucking right awesome time for birthday week.

I think I could make this shit happen.