Christ

Going to bed at 5 and waking up at 7 for a job interview is not my idea of a good time. I almost missed it because I passed out on the couch once the house guests departed. When I got home I slept straight until 5 in the afternoon. I didn't do much with my day. I did however have another really intense conversation with that friend. The things you never knew about people. Its like I see a whole different person now, not in a bad way, but on a more personal level type thing.

When I woke the next day, I had to head to the Mount to pick up a take home exam I missed. On the way out of the building, I had just missed the bus but when he saw me he stopped on the side of the road. There is nothing more embarrasing than running down the road towards a bus, especially if you have somewhat large tits. I worked backshift that night. I thought I was going to dread it but it ended up being really alright. I got high with my co-workers, or I should say they got me high. My only complaint would have to be one of these co-workers is a racist little shit, who use terms "faggot" and "queer" with malice. I fucking hate ignorance, Jesse on the other hand is super fun. I wouldn't mind having a few more shifts with him.

Whew

Drink with Mike D was nuts this week. The roommate came out again, which was great. We don't get out and party together anymore. Headed down to Barrington, got the liquor and went over to Jared's place. Which so happens to be in the same building that Rob lives in. Jared has some sexy pets, a little pet mouse, a snake and the cutest bunny ever. Drinking got underway, Heather, Brian, Mike, Leah, Savannah, Jared and I were all getting down with the drunk good times. I played Savannah in chess and mopped the floor than I went on to crush Jared. Talk of crafts and vintage clothing filled the room. Around 10 30 we headed down to Bearlys.

So many different songs were sang. Summer Night by Savannah and Jared, Lets Get It On by Savannah and Stephen, Gangsta's Paradise by the gang, Kokomo by the gang, and Brian sang a song, but the name escapes me now. There must of been more but I can't remember. When the night was over Fader, Leah, Brian and Mike all came over to our apartment. During the walk home, Savannah picked up some paper towel and was dancing on the sidewalk with paper towel trailing behind her.

Got the apartment in one piece. We smoked a joint and Mike called for pizza. Conversation and music followed until about 5 in the morning. At which time I decided to call it a night.

What an awesome night.

pffffff

Monday was chilling out. I went to Subway at 3 stayed until 12. The fucking cabbie stole 10$ from me. Well I guess stealing is a big word, but he sure ommited the fact that I was giving him a 12$ tip. Headed over to Gus's for Scrabble night. I met Dr.Blasto, who I don't even know his real name, and Jeffrey. Everybody else was familiar faces, except Mike was new to the Scrabbling good times. Eben and the waiter got into it a bit, there was a misunderstanding over change and things started getting intense. In the end it turned out the mistake was Eben's, oh well, mistakes do happen.

When I got back Savannah was wide awake. We watched the new Family guy episode which was pure genius and then we watched Alive. I don't remember that movie being so emotional and fucked. We only headed to sleep at 7 in the morning.

Julia had a party last night, since she was leaving. There was no furniture but it was super chill, sitting around in a circle on the floor just talking. I got really drunk really fast, which might have to do with not eating lately. I met a lot of cool people that night too, who goes to a party and sits around talking about a messageboard? Hmm. It was a great time nonetheless and a great send off for Julia. Who I might of hugged too tightly on the way out, I blame alcohol for being an emotional idiot.

The walk home was hilarious. I kept stumbling around and Savannah was holding an empty wine bottle. We made it home in record time, the ghetto just puts a fire in your ass I guess.

When I got home I sat around and had a 4 hour msn conversation with a friend. We've been friends for a long time, but not the kind that would sit there and have a 4 hour conversation. We talked about high school and just random things that had never been aired out before. Again alcohol definetely made this possible. I learned a lot about this person, things I didn't know, it was very interesting.

Fuck

Since I told myself I would never delete or edit (unless I notice spelling) any of my blog entries, I'll leave the last blog entry the same. Damn though, so many rhetorical questions, with either no answer, or atleast no good answer.

Last night dreams were fucking retarded. I should really start writing them down as soon as I wake up. I remember I woke up thinking "what the fuck" but right now, I can't put my finger on what exactly happened in these dreams.

I might not be getting the company I was expecting. Which I guess is a good thing, but not really. My stomach felt tight when I read the words "I'm not sure if....". Maybe I'll see a kid I met once and we can both be sad together. Oh well, it won't be the first show that I'll be standing all by myself, and I'm sure it won't be the last.

Why is it that I think omitting names helps with discretion at all?

I live in my own little world. Work tomorrow should be fun, free subs, which is something other than potatoes.

I should stop writing in this thing at 2 in the morning, I think its my emo peak.

Mexico

Woke up on Julia's couch and headed home. Stephen, Eben, Julia and I had a crazy Saturday adventure. Started with Cost-U-Less, I got a huge bag of skittles for 1$. Mexico Lindo for lunch, what an amazing meal, cheese covered nachos, and one tasty burrito. To finish off the day I got to see Stephen's billboard and I got myself one sexy mounted poster of James Dean at Value Village. I also finally had the chance to pick up Megan's guitar that she's lending me for the summer.

For my Saturday evening, I walked over to Agricola to the New World Cafe. Shapes and Cymbals and How Memory Works were playing, both bands were terrific. Even more terrific than the game of speed scrabble I got to play upon arrival.I started getting a really bad stomach ache around the end of the last set. At first I was just dealing with it, but christ did it ever get intense. At some points I actually felt like crying, I don't do well with pain at all.

So the plan was to head down to the Seahorse but I just couldn't do it. I felt like murdering people, and in that kind of state, me sober and drunk people wouldn't of worked for me at all. Stephen dropped me off and who do I encounter first thing, my fucking crackhead neighbors. They just wouldn't let me leave, I was feeling like shit, and all I wanted to do was get to my house. Seriously felt like I HAD to give them 5$, which if anyone is keeping count, was my last 5$.

Let the emotional mess begin. Walk in the house, flip the fuck out, throw my stuff everywheres, and THEN I hear one sad song and I just lose it. Go to my room and start bawling my eyes out. Am I ever going to forget this shit? Am I ever going to be like I was before December? What the fuck is my deal? I miss being funny like before, I miss thinking about OTHER things. I'm tired of having the same old thoughts, why the fuck am I such an emotional douche? I go to shows and all I think about is how someone else would enjoy this so much, or how I would be enjoying it so much more if someone else was there. In a room full of people, but being so alone. I'm just sick and tired of my own thoughts. I think I'm done with it, but it's never true. One little thing and I'm back to square fucking one. And then I wonder, what is the big deal, why does this affect me so much? It was nothing, well it something to me, but in the grand scheme of things.......

Fuck it.

Oh and.. I know you're reading this brother of mine, all I have to say is even I can have bad moments that the rest of the family need not know about.

Eat Fresh

Couldn't sleep a wink Thursday night, I had to wake up early to get to work, but I couldn't get to fucking sleep. I was listenning to The Moon and Antarctica which isn't a good thing, it's the album that burned the words "It's that song" into my brain. And those words forever haunt my falling asleep wishes.

Waking up for work after the restless night, wasn't so bad. Work itself was great, I really enjoy my co-workers and the work is quite enjoyable. Jackie and Elise are pure fun with really good senses of humour. Ally on the other hand I could do without. One hour with that chick and I thought my fist was going to meet her face. The free subs are one hell of a perk though, I think I could end up really enjoying this job.

After work, Julia and I decided to get some nachos at the Economy Shoe Shop. I had guacamole for the first time, and was left disapointed. The rest of the meal was spectacular though, I was overly full. BUT, we still had the idea of heading over the La Cave for some 7$ cheesecake. Despite the price, I must say that was the best piece of dessert I've had since Easter. To end the night on a depressing note, we rented Mississippi Burning. What an intense movie, maybe the getting high didn't help the intensity of it all, but damn. I can't believe the world was actually like that at one point, so much hatred for no reason.

Hands Down!

Best Wednesday night ever, hands down. I headed down to Bearlys at 9:30, Jared had to do some interviewing so Mike was all by his lonesome. I finally got to hear the masterpiece that is Karen, the boy band extravangaza. New Wave Nathan was totally on fire, that guy is amazing, the dancing, the song choice and the singing, all just beautiful, a complete package really. Bearlys was the busiest I've ever seen it, there was some chinese guy with a terrible mustache, an emo boy with some pretty drunken flamboyant tendencies, and ofcourse Crazy Mike. The crowd was insane, lots of different people give 'er on stage.

Jared showed up and the true kareoke started. Mike got up, did Kiss by Prince, him and Jared got up and did Hello by Lyonel Ritchie (cutest duet ever) and to finish off the night they did a wonderful performance with the song Step By Step from you know it, none other than the New Kids On the Block.

Some other performance from other patrons were Love Shack, Walk Like an Egyptian, White Wedding, and some other classics. When the night was over I walked in the rain to the Attic and then took a cab home. I love walking in the rain, it's emo but fun.

Today was marvelous, I got up and went looking for jobs. I hit a few places around Spring Garden. The most promising of the jobs had an interview with me right on the spot. I told her right on the spot that I needed Wednesday and Saturday nights off. She said it was fine, and that I would probably be working my favorite shift, 4-12. I have to head in tomorrow morning and see if I like it.

I'm very excited. Yay for rent, food and marijuana.

Lou Barlow - Skipping

Monday wasn't anything special, not much happened. I did however finish decorating my apartment, which now doesn't look like a hotel but more like people actually have been living here for 6 months. I broke down the wall of boxes, seriously though, what do you do with 30 boxes? It was just a huge pile of garbage in the middle of our "dinning room", now it no longer exists and in its place is fabric hanging on the wall. Right so who gives a fuck? On to more important things.

Tuesday I woke up nice and early. I finished getting the place in order and cleaned my room. The things I will do for a guest. The roommate and I got into a little spat that was absolutely uncalled for. I never ever ask for anything and I ask for one little thing and she flipped out. I can't live in fear of my best friend, it's starting to distance us. Anyways, it's not even worth explaining. I headed down to Sobeys to pick up a few items to complete the supper I was planning. Julia came over and we all enjoyed some sheppard's pie and a few drinks. We headed down to the Stage 9 for Alicia Penney, KNA and Great Plains. Everybody was amazing, I headed over to Alicia to tell her what a great set she had and the warm hearted girl gave me a free cd. I wasn't even drunk, but it totally deserved a hug. The walk home was long and scary, I really think I might be pushing my luck walking home at 2 in the morning without any sort of defense. Oh well, all in the name of a good show.

Now for the emotional sad sappy part of this entry. I'm getting some company in a few weeks, which I am terribly excited about. The thing is I was finally starting to put the past behind me and get over things. I know though when I see this company, its going to bring back old feelings that I'm trying to forget. However, I do enjoy this person as a friend and I hope I can keep my emotions in check. We shall see.

My new song obsession is Lou Barlow - Skipping. It has no lyrics but I could just listen to it over and over on repeat and not get bored.

Tonight I'm Gone - .moneen.

Friday was an eventful day. I walked over to Julia's and then we headed down to the Khyber Club for the Sweet Tenders, Mitch and the Motorhomes, and Deerfield. I really enjoyed the Sweet Tenders had a been drinking a little more, I would of danced my ass off. Megan said I could borrow her guitar for the summer, I don't know if I'll be any good at it, but I'll give it a shot. Something to add to my routine that isn't shows, computer or sleep.

Saw Eben at the Khyber Club and he mentionned checking out his band, Oh God, at the Seahorse. After Deerfield called it quits we headed over there. I had fun all night long, at the end of the night we saw Crazy Mike outside the Seahorse, I hate when people are forceful about asking for change, I get really nervous.

Saturday was good times as well. Chai came down to Halifax for a visit. We walked to Quinpool for pizza, we saw Bobby on the street and headed to the skate park. We saw Dan at the skate part as well, we decided to head to Barrington for some record store good times. We checked out Venus Envy, interesting stock they have in that place. Chai left with Cory and we headed down to pick up Rob at the bus station. By the time we got home I was so exhausted from such a lengthy day walking around outside.

Later on in the evening, Jenn asked me if I wanted to go to the Seahorse but first go get high. I walked over to Quinpool, we got high out of the an awesome bong, kind of shaped like a Z. There was some keg party happening on Creighton, so we headed over there. That seriously had to be the most organized party, liquor for sale, with all the trimmings. I was a little too high, so I decided to walk home instead of heading to the show.

RIIIIIIIIIIIIGGHT. That about sums up the weekend.

But wait theres more. I redecorated a bit, put up show posters and music clippings on the wall. Its one groovy looking collage. Also, I may have visit coming to Halifax for the Choke shows. Le motherfucking sigh.

What

Savannah doesn't enjoy Mock Orange, I just don't understand. The world is coming to an end.

Creepy Security Guard.

After my flunking I decided, stupid drunk was the only way to go. Savannah decided to come out to "Drink with Mike D", so we started drinking around 8 and by 10 I was DRUUUUUUUUUUNK. I sat outside to wait for Stephen and a security guard came by and said "Wow you're not on the your computer. Everytime I look up here you're typing away". Dude, what the hell is a security guard doing looking up at my window at night? Creepy, I vote yes. Stephen came over to give us a drive to the event and also decided to join in the fun.

Hilarity was the theme of the night, Stephen sang Sexual Healing, Savannah sang Let's Get It On, dedicated to Stephen and Mike sang Kiss by Prince. And finally Jared sang Totally Eclispe of the Heart to finished of the night. All four performances were pure gold. Savannah lost her wallet for about 20 minutes because Jared put in Leah's purse. It only seemed right to accuse Crazy Mike, but I guess he wasn't guilty.

When we got home, Savannah passed out on the bathroom floor. I mixed those wonderful mixes listed below. And that about wraps it up.

The next day, I woke up early and had a Pols exam. I think it went somewhat well despite the hang over. I'm sure I saw Crazy Mike try to get on the 18 this morning. But the bus driver wouldn't let him on, it was weird. Later in the evening we watched The Machinist, what a disturbing film, the ending was a constant guessing game. About halfway done, I just wanted it to finish, I needed to know how it was going to end. Very good film, I'll definetely be buying this movie.

That is all.

Damnit.

I woke up nice and early, finished typing up my review, sent it to my email, got out of the house early enough not to miss the bus, got to school 10 minutes before my exam, and BAM, come to find out I had my exam time all mixed up. I missed a final exam, how retarded am I? Seriously, I took the time to get all my shit together for this class because of my month long absence, and I don't make the final exam. It was such a kick in the face.

Atleast I have drinking tonight to look forward to. I will be getting stupid drunk for this folks, I must drown the sorrows in alcohol.

I have to figure out what I'm doing in this city and if I'm doing it for the right reasons. Why do I spend money I don't have? Why can't I just make a decision and stick with it? Chirst.

25 Most Played Tracks

• The Weakerthans - Slips and Tangles
• SS Cardiacs - Noo Noo ( In a Foreign Dialect)
• Fire Theft - Heaven
• Ben Harper - Burn One Down
• Park - Untitled
• The Turning - (The song doesn't have the right name)
• Mock Orange - Oh my God
• North of America - Southwesterlies to Southwesterly
• Radiohead - No Surprises
• Tv on the Radio - Ambulance
• Radiohead - Paranoid Android
• North of America - The Path
• Q and not U - Soft Pyramids
• The Arcade Fire - Rebellion (Lies)
• Tv on the Radio - Staring At the Sun
• Black Sabbath - Planet Caravan
• Mock Orange - Payroll
• Sunny Day Real Estate - Guitar and Video Games
• Mock Orange - Make Friends
• Aereogramme - Will You Still Find Me?
• Do Make Say Think - Disco & Haze
• .moneen. - Are We Really Happy With Who We Are Now?
• Fire Theft - Summertime
• Radiohead - Creep
• One Candle Power - Ceci N'est Pas Une Fille

Potatoes and Pot

Getting out of the house is just magical. Julia invited me over for supper, right at the moment I thought I was going to go nuts from being inside. I walked over, I should walk more I enjoy the shit out of it, especially with the tunes. Before we ate we headed out to the store and I picked up some Count Chocula, the nostalgic feeling of childhood. Supper was fantastic.. delicious.. marvelous, scalloped potatoes and green beans. I ate way enough to keep me full for hours.

I went to pick up some pot, I haven't had my own pot in a month. We decided to rent a movie and get high. Now it might of been the weed, but I seriously don't remember the Truman Show being that intense. I felt so bad for him, but I guess my feelings towards movies changes with whats going on in my life. If I'm feeling remotely sad or depressed, I automatically take movies more to heart.

I heard some sad news about my friend Didier, that I just don't know how to take. I shade a few tears over the thing, I felt so foolish, but it is probably the most serious life altering things I've heard in a while. I feel that although my blog is pretty private, I can't discuss the details. Those who need to know, know.

I'll be thinking about this tonight before bed. I had a wonderful time tonight, and although this news was quite depressing, it still didn't ruin my night.

Scrabble

For starters I must mention my new song obsession.

The Weakerthans - Slips & Tangles

"We're rolling neon lights and slinking purple skies,
squeeze out soft regrets from all our lives as,
I greet another door that opens in,
to that place that we repeatedly begin.
I'm tangled up in tries,
slipping on I wonder why I face,
affection not embrace.
Another urban wasteland thick with fears.
I see lights that shine like frozen television tears,
or dying embers of another day,
please tell me what it is I, I wanna say.
I'm tangled up in tries,
slipping on i wonder why I face.
Affection not embrace.
Affection not embrace."

I don't know why this song never caught my attention before, but it sure is now.

Scrabble went well, I got to meet some new people, Beardo and Rod and saw some same friendly faces, Stephen, Julia, Leah, Eben, and Alfred. We managed to play a lot of games, which I was never the victorious one until the last game. I had the perfect word, PERFECT, I was so glad when my turn came around that nobody crushed my dreams of forming this word. After I did infact play, we got kicked out, it was getting towards closing and our presence was no longer appreciated at this late hour.

Anyways, all to say, I had another awesome night, not spent in my apartment.

The Bus

Why is the bus so fucking depressing? I swear it screws with my head. I was just telling a friend of mine last night that I was enjoying the city more and more and forgetting someone more and more. The first one still stands, but really the second was a lie. All it takes is a couple of long bus rides to get you thinking, and ofcourse the pre going to bed thoughts. I guess playing the same sappy songs over and over doesn't help either. Who needs these thoughts? Replaying different moments and events in my head, wondering; what if this? what if that?

Seriously, I think I'm going insane. Or on the edge of falling into madness. At the age of 20, that doesn't leave me much hope for the future. How dramatic am I?

Physical Activity

Went down to the Commons today to enjoy the sun. Participating in the physical activity madness was Megan, Orrin, Julia, Jared, Brian, Alfred, and Marty. Damn, I'm going to have to check with Julia on some of these names, I'm horrible with names. We just threw/kicked the football to each other for hours, I had a pretty good time.

After you know working up such a sweat (this is sarcasm), we decided to check out some chinese food action. I left feeling way too full, but extremely satisfied.
Fortune Cookies: "You are a person of culture" and "You are never bitter, deceptive or petty."
You know you rock, when you get TWO fortunes in the same cookie.

The roommate arrived back from the great land of Bouctouche, we swapped stories of our weekends and just had a generally good conversation. She also shared some WONDERFUL news with me, the possibility of a FREE or cheap (I'll have to chip in for gas, because it's only right) drive to Moncton on a weekendly basis. This folks, is the most exciting news ever. This way if the city is getting a little too much to handle, I can always escape to the pleasure and laidbackness of home.

Nothing.

Lately all of my dreams seem to have the theme of something missing, or something lacking. I wake up feeling like I am missing something. It is starting to get emotionally draining, I can feel the need to wake up, just to get out of these dreams. I wake up and wonder if whatever it is, is actually missing, and I'm all panicked about it. I really don't want to feel like this anymore. It makes for very unpleasant mornings of over-thinking and decisions that I shouldn't be making in my less than worthless state of mornings. STOP IT DREAMS OF NOTHING.

Bars + Sober = Horrible Time

Who goes to a bar sober? Who goes to a bar sober at 11? Who goes to a bar sober at 11 alone? This girl. I am a fucking idiot, and I am oh so thankful the night picked up, because suicide was looking like the most promising option.

Well it wasn't all bad I guess, I did actually have a conversation with someone that I normally talk to way too drunk, so that was good. Also the bands were kickass, Jon Epworth as shining as usual, and I was yet to hear the Sycamores. I really enjoyed what I heard and I'll be looking forward to that album he spoke of. Why must education get in the way of good bands putting out albums?

The after the bar, the joint took a long time to arrive, but was well worth the wait. I also got to see the extended Dome/Palace, that being pizza corner. It isn't fair that I go out of my way to avoid dance bars and all I want is pizza, but SHAZZAM, in your face techno, hip-hop, dance. BUT this is why I have my mp3 player on me at all times. I got into a discussion with someone who couldn't appreciate that some "rock & roll" (his term, not mine) bands are not all about drugs, sex, and drinking. He kept saying they're poseurs because they don't participate in above mentioned activities. There was no real point to argue, he wasn't going to change his mind. All I have to say is what a fucking idiot.

That is all.

Meeting The Locals.

Yesterday was one terrific day. I woke up bright and early, with the idea of "Hey, I need friends to come to this show". After some searching, I got an invite from Julia to go for some pre-drinking at her place.

We had a good time with some good political discussion, which I am all about. I also got to practice my french, boy am I not the person who should be teaching people french. We were a tad late to catch the show at Reflections so we headed to the Seahorse instead.

When we got there, I saw Jenn (Livinginclip) whom I already knew, but she introduced me to Courtney (Anti-Court 4.0) and Leah (LC). I saw my friend Aaron, this city is for sure more enjoyable the more people you get to know. I also got introduced to Housearrest (not sure)and Stooge (Eben), it was one get to know your fellow messageboard people night.

The bands were great, great enough for me to dance, which is always a feat. When the night was winding down we all decided to go to Applebarrels. We being me, Julia, Stephen, and Eben. T'was a good late night breakfast, and I got a drive home which is ALWAYS a plus.

On a side note, I am beyond happy that the smell is finally gone from the Seahorse, it makes for one hell of a good time.

Anyways, YAY for making new friends, enjoyable new friends.

The Honest Truth About Me

- I haven't weighed myself in years, but I'm sure its not a good number
- I'm 5'3
- I love wearing heels, and skirts
- I'm terrified of what people think of me
- I love attention
- I haven't worn any colour but black since 10th grade. Except for the red jacket that is.
- I lost my virginity stupidly in December
- I had my first kiss the same night
- Boys terrify me
- I like someone who doesn't feel the same way
- I only started saying I love you when I moved to Halifax.
- I only started hugging people when I moved to Halifax
- I only started talking about my period when I moved to Halifax. HAZA
- I love penguins too
- I'm obsessed with potatoes
- I love smoking, and I think it is hot if a guy smokes, call me crazy
- I'm addicted to smoking pot, although I know it isn't addicting.
- I don't sleep much
- I talk too much
- I'm not very hygienic at all.
- I'd rather live in a mess than in a clean house
- I act cheerful even if I feel like shit
- I'm a push over
- I agree to things I don't really want to do
- I often give people the wrong idea about myself
- I rarely shave my legs although I love skirts
- I'll use someone else's toothbrush without asking
- I like embarrassing people, but hate being embarrassed.
- I don't let people not like me, I'll change myself so they will like me
- I cry every time I watch Forrest Gump
- I haven't been to the dentist in 4 years now
- I'm terrified of doctors, needles, dentists, hospitals, and swallowing pills.
- I think I have cancer every time I get high
- Never broken a bone
- I hate socks and I'm always picking at my feet
- I don't understand why people find feet so gross
- I get nervous if I think a boy likes me
- I only cry when I'm alone
- I only trust or care about a few people
- I have a burning hatred for religion
- I talk way too much
- I have issues with trusting people
- I'm really lazy and wasted a lot of money that wasn't mine on school that I completely fucked up this year
- I've done and said a lot of things I shouldn't have over the years
- I have extremely low self esteem and try to convince myself and other I don't
- I'm not sure what left and right is. I get confuse, I have to remember I'm a lefty and think about what hand I write with.
- I also can't say the alphabet right. I never get G and J right, like if I have to tell someone my postal code, I have to say the letter that starts George or the letter that starts Justin.
- I always open my pack of smokes on the bigger side, and I've never met anyone who does the same, is there anyone out there like me?